


i’m better with you

by wonjins



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Drugs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, Open Ending, Partying, Underage Drinking, i think that’s it?, idk - Freeform, it’s just two young and dumb boys falling in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 03:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15452304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonjins/pseuds/wonjins
Summary: zhong chenle was all loud laughs, pretty smiles, and soft hands, and jisung park was in deep.





	i’m better with you

**Author's Note:**

> to be honest, i don’t think this is the best i could’ve written it as. i really like the beginning, but i’m not quite sure about the rest. my writing style changed a lot as a wrote it, and it’s obvious as you read it. it is also the longest thing i have ever written. so please, leave constructive critisim, i’d really appreciate it. this whole story is one big cliche after another, i’m aware, but that was the point. it was supposed to be showing that a cliche story like this can have deep rooted issues, but i’m not quite sure if that was clear. anyway, some warning are describing child abuse, referenced abandonment, homophobia, and underage drinking. if you think any of these will trigger you, please don’t read this. if not, enjoy!

_ june second // eden - moonmoon _

jisung woke up and grabbed his phone. for a second he worried, because  _ oh my god  _ it’s seven and he’s not out of bed yet, but calmed down when he remembered.

it’s summer. no more waking up early and dealing with judgemental peers or demanding teachers, just an endless amount of time to sleep. jisung knew that none of his friends wanted to make plans with him, because they all decided to go on a road trip and not invite him, for some reason. they claimed it was because it was their last summer all together, and jisung reflected that it was their last summer with him too, but they chose to ignore him. he was upset at them for leaving him out, but at the same time he was glad because it gave him more time to be lazy and lie around all day. while everyone else was obsessing over an epic summer, he was perfectly content with what he had.

so, he put down his phone and fell back into a world of dreams.

_ june sixth // moon, 12:04am - offonoff _

to be honest, jisung was getting pretty sick of sleeping all day. he never thought that he could, but he couldn’t help getting restless after staying in the same spot for hours and hours on end, and this summer he didn’t have any friends to drag him out of bed and make him actually do something. his head had a constant throbbing and his legs were aching for some movement.

he wanted to go out so bad, but of course, it had to be two in the morning, a completely unreasonable time to leave the house. he only considered sneaking out for a second before he realized that there was no way he could ever get away with that. he was a dancer, very nimble on his feet, but under pressure he turned into a complete mess, and getting caught would get him grounded for sure. though, getting grounded probably wouldn’t change his situation too much.

after thinking it over several times, he decided that it was worth the risk, and came up with a game plan. he would sneak down to his basement and climb out the window. that window fortunately had a crank to open it, so it wasn’t that hard to manage. he knew that his older brother had snuck out of it multiple times because he had seen him coming in once. jisung knew that he wouldn’t get caught like jaehyun did, though, because there was no way he would come back drunk and high off his ass. the smell of beer and weed hanging off of him and cooing at him still haunted him to this day.

as he started getting ready he laid out a black hoodie and jeans, along with a black mask, but then he thought about how ridiculous he would look in that, just begging to be caught. only teenagers in stupid high school movies wore outfits like that to sneak out. eventually, he did settle on something. he cursed at himself for taking so long, as it had already taken twenty minutes to just get ready.

when he finally got to the basement window, he came to a sudden realization. the window cranked open easily, but there was no way to shut it from the inside. he stood, looking into the house with a worried look on his face, closing the window just enough that he could fit his hand through. he doubted his parents would notice, because they never went in the basement, claiming it was too hot to spend more than five minutes in. they all knew that that wasn’t the truth, the real cause sitting in his room in the basement, home from college for the summer. is was pretty known that their parents liked to keep their distance from jaehyun, and nobody was complaining. they highly disapproved of his ‘way of living’, and them seeing each other for more than thirty seconds at a time meant a screaming match and complaints from their neighbors, and jisung would rather not get kicked out from their house, thanks.

as soon as he was done worrying about the window, he breathed out his stress into the cool night air. he had always liked night time better. it held a certain tranquility you could never get when the sun was out. the whole world was silent, minus the crickets chirping and his painfully disruptive footsteps in the grass of his backyard. as soon as he went through the creaky gate, wincing at the noise it made, everything felt so open. there was no life in sight, the only light provided by the streetlights, a dim golden glow on the street. feeling more relaxed than ever, he walked down the sidewalk, arms swinging all around him and legs thrown forward in long, lanky steps.

he walked for about ten minutes before he realized he had no clue where he was going. honestly, all he really wanted to do was keep walking, so that’s what he did. he let his feet take him wherever they wanted, turning corners and walking down alleyways he didn’t even know existed, because he was all of the sudden in the ‘bad’ part of town. his parents had always warned him to stay away from people who came from the east end, calling them street trash and gangsters. as he wandered further into the forbidden area, he saw more and more of what he had never seen before. there were actually people awake, sitting on cramped balconies smoking cigarettes and god knows what else.

all of the apartments blocks were so cramped together, jisung couldn’t tell where one started and ended. people had cheap-looking decorations hung up, along with plenty of graffiti covering large walls. it was so different in contrast to jisung’s typical suburban neighborhood, houses copy and pasted all down the street, yards all trimmed to absolute perfection. as he completely threw himself into enjoying his little adventure, he couldn’t help thinking how amazing this place was, with it’s cozy feel. people were walking down the narrow street, chatting animatedly, and he can really tell how close the community was there. that was something he had always longed for, people he could always depend on, but all of his neighbors were stuck up and preferred to stay inside, which bothered jisung to no end. he never had that childhood where he would go out and play with kids his age, opting instead to sulk inside with his parents. seeing people here living the way he never did made him happy.

as he kept on going, his feet suddenly started getting tired. he had been walking around for about an hour, so he figured it was time to take a break. thankfully, not too far away there was a little playground that belonged to a neighboring school. it had swings, and he animatedly ran to one, laughing all the way. it felt so nice to be free from people who would judge him so he could let loose for a little while. as soon as he jumped on, he couldn’t help himself as he swung higher and higher, grinning from the feeling of the blowing air on his face. he hadn’t really gotten to swing since he was in elementary school, and being able to again felt amazing. he knew that his legs were really too lanky for him to be doing this, that it was meant for a child, because every time he came down his feet would skim the ground, slowing him down a little bit. eventually, as he began to get tired, he started letting himself stop. he winced as he saw the dust covering his black shoes from the rocks on the ground, but allowed himself to forget about it, favoring to take a good look around him.

he did feel kind of stupid for starting to want this all the time. to not be surrounded by people who put too much pressure on him constantly. he supposed his friends, jeno, mark, and donghyuck, were alright, but they were still a clique. popular, getting too much attention from everyone and forced to be people they weren’t. even in private, they were all so judgy and jisung never found himself completely comfortable with them. he never felt comfortable with anyone, except his brother at times. he knew he was being extremely silly, that he had a life so many people dreamed of, but he couldn’t help feeling unsatisfied. letting go like this was rare.

“bad day?” a voice said from next to him, and jisung jumped so high that his swing bounced, instinct causing him to grab tightly onto the chain holding it up.

he decided to reply to the person, not caring about the possible consequences. “more like a bad life.”

a laugh. the high pitched and dolphin-like sound surprised jisung. he didn’t think a laugh that loud could sound so nice. “well then, bad life? tell me about it.”

he still didn’t look at the boy, choosing to instead look straight up at the sky, the stars catching his eyes. he assumed what the boy had said was just a snarky remark, but was proven wrong when he spoke up again. “uh, hello?”

“sorry,” jisung said quietly. “it’s just stupid stuff. the kind of stuff that sends someone on an hour walk to the east side at three thirty am.”

“i get that. life is stupid sometimes.”

they sat in silence for a few minutes before he heard the crunch of the rocks beneath the boy’s feet. he assumed he was leaving, still not daring to look, but was surprised when he felt hands on his back. he could tell the boy was trying his best to push jisung, but the furthest he got was a few inches. he tried multiple times, making jisung break into a fit of giggles. not long after, the boy started laughing as well. so, they both sat there laughing for a couple of minutes before the other boy could get enough time through his loud screechy laughs to start talking. “that was supposed to be cute, but as you can see, it desperately failed. i had no idea i was that weak, damn!”

at that point, jisung tilted his head back just far enough to see the boy behind him. he was expecting someone younger, maybe a middle schooler based on the voice, but was met with the smiling face of an extremely cute blond boy that looked about his age. like, super, super cute. he was about to lean forward again, but was stopped by the boy booping him lightly on the nose, causing them both to break out into uncontrollable laughter. 

as soon as he was broken out of his stupor with tears welling in his eyes and a pain in his stomach, he saw something that completely tore him out of the moment. the beginnings of a sunrise, oranges and pinks peeking out into the sky. he gasped, standing up quickly, almost losing his balance but catching himself. 

“shit. i have to go, holy shit i need to go home,” he says quickly before jogging away from the cute boy at the swings, leaving the boy visibly confused with his mouth hanging open and his eyebrows furrowed. 

“goodbye!” he shouted, but jisung was too far away to hear him, more focused on the fact that if he wasn’t back in his bed and (fake) asleep in an hour his parents would seriously kill him. so, he ran as fast as he possibly could, not caring about the sweat dripping down his face from the heat coming from the rising sun. 

in about forty five minutes he was home. it gave him enough time to go into the backyard and carefully open the window, thankful that it was still open, and tip-toe up the stairs. he made it into his bedroom and changed into more comfortable clothes just as he heard the first rustle from outside his door. he silently turned the lights off and dove into his bed, staying still right as his mother opened his door and checked on him. 

almost as soon as she opened the door, she closed it, causing jisung to let out a deep breath he didn’t even know he had been holding. “thank god.”

that was the last thing he said before he fell asleep, mind full of thoughts about a cute blond boy with a loud dolphin laugh.

 

_ june seventh // cocktail - jonghyun _

 

it was one in the morning, and jisung was eager to see the pretty blonde boy again. he knew in the rational part of his head that he probably wouldn't be there, that it was just a one time thing, but he couldn’t get him out of his head. there was something so alluring about him that jisung had yet to figure out, opting to look deeper into it.

as he thought about it more, he wondered what this feeling he had was. he covered it up as curiosity, but knew that it was more than that. he pushed that thought away in favor of getting ready, putting much more thought into his outfit this time. he knew the boy probably wouldn’t care, but he couldn’t risk it. last time he looked like trash, dark bags under his eyes from an irregular sleep schedule, and hair falling flat on his forehead, devoid of any styling products. the concealer under his eyes felt heavy, but he wanted to look good. well, however good you could look at one am with little to no sleep (because of a boy you just met).

once again, he found his way through the basement window. this time he knew how to get through it without banging around or getting stuck, sliding through easily. he copied his actions from the previous night, just closing the window a little more for some sort of reassurance. his parents didn’t catch him the previous night, but that was no reason to be reckless. they were paranoid, and if they heard or saw anything they  _ would  _ call the police, and jisung could not risk that.

tonight there was a full moon, the light shining brightly on the world around him. he felt relaxed, following the same path he did last night. the whole city looked different just an hour earlier than the previous night, and he found himself unsure about some turns, but decided to take them anyway. it felt like the right way, so he just went with it, trusting his feet to lead him in the right direction.

after a while, he started doubting that he was going in the right direction. he looked around, only to see that not that far ahead of him, the apartment blocks started. he breathed out a sigh of relief, quickly walking to them. they seemed more lively than they did the previous night, if that was even possible. more lights were on and people were walking around, some giving him strange looks. he wasn’t quite sure what that was about, but he continued on anyway. he wanted to reach the playground, just to wait for the blonde boy to come along again. jisung doubted he would, but didn’t mind waiting. the cool breeze was reassuring, this time not moving his hair around and providing some relief for his heavy eyes.

as he walked on, he felt more sure of himself, regardless of the stares and whispers. at first he felt self conscious, but quickly learned to ignore it. he was never going to find his boy if he gave up now.

_ his  _ boy? he silently cursed at himself for even thinking that. he had only met the boy once, he was getting to the point of being stalkerish with how often he thought of him. for a second he thought about turning back, that maybe this whole thing was stupid and he was just making a big deal out of nothing, but he stopped when he felt an arm around his shoulders.

he looked at the person and saw none other than the blonde boy, smile wide on his face and his eyes curved into small crescents. he wasn't anything special, but jisung thought he was amazing all the same. “back again? after last night i wasn’t expecting you.”

jisung could feel the heat rise up to his cheeks and neck, the familiar sensation winning against any fight he had left. “uh, sorry about that. if my parents caught me sneaking out i would be in a lot of trouble. i wanted to stay, by the way!”

“alright. i didn’t really care, i had a feeling you were going to come back. also, what the hell are you wearing?” a giggle came out of his mouth, and jisung found himself distracted for a second before he broke out of his stupor and replied.

“what?” he looked down at himself dumbly, seeing exactly what he had put on. a shirt his dad had bought him about a month ago, a little expensive but really nothing special, the same blue skinny jeans he always wore, and probably the least expensive shoes he had in his closet. “i don’t see anything wrong with it!”

“look around you, rich boy.”

everyone around him looked exactly like he did last night. no makeup, no hair products, and crummy clothes. he was confused for about a minute before he realized how out of place he looked. he looked more like he was going to a party than going for a nice walk.

“oh,” he huffed out quietly, more self conscious of himself than ever. he felt stupid for thinking this would be a good idea, because now the boy probably thought he was stupid.

another laugh. damn, how often did this dude laugh? “it’s fine. i could tell you didn’t notice. i also don’t really care, because you look good. like, really good.”

his hot face got even hotter, and he chose to look forward instead of at the boy next to him. he felt better after he said that, but worse at the same time.

after seeing that the boy wasn’t going to continue the conversation until he replied, he spoke up. “thanks. by the way, i never got your name.”

“i’m chenle. zhong chenle.”

a pretty name for a pretty boy, jisung thought. it fit him very well. “i’m jisung park. nice to meet you, chenle.”

he could finally look at chenle again after the change of subject, glad to finally have a name to match the face. he could see the gears turning in his head as he thought, and decided to wait for whatever he was going to say.

“why do you say it like that?”

jisung was confused. what did he say wrong? he was always told he had close to perfect pronunciation, had always gotten praised for it. “say what like what?”

chenle laughed, unsurprising to jisung. that seemed to be his favorite thing to do, as he laughed at least once a minute. “you say park funny. jisung  _ pwark!” _

_ “ _ i do not!”

chenle leaned his head further into jisung, and he couldn’t find himself to mind. “you so do! jisung  _ pwark!  _ jisung  _ pwark!”  _

as he chanted quietly, jisung found himself getting more comfortable with the situation. he laughed as chenle went on, obviously a natural comedian. they walked and talked for a little while longer, not really paying attention to where they were going, all the while with chenle’s arm still around jisung’s shoulder. at one point he found his hand traveling up to hold on to chenle’s and was surprised when the boy gripped his hand firmly back. none of his friends were big on skinship, but this guy seemed to live on it, even with people he barely knew.

by the time they stopped, they knew many things about each other. chenle was the same age as jisung, 16, but older by a couple of months. he was in the same grade, and went to a high school a little further into the east side. jisung shared things about himself, feeling strangely comfortable with it. he had always been one to worry over everything, but chenle broke his walls down so fast it was almost laughable. actually, to chenle it probably was.

jisung was ranting about his grumpy old math teacher from the year before when they finally stopped. the building they stopped in front of was loud, music and voices ringing out. after one more glance he knew it was party, and he cast a confused glance at chenle, who shrugged.

“i was planning on coming here tonight even before i met you, and i didn’t want to completely ditch my plans. you can come in if you want, just stay close to me. we wouldn’t want anyone hurting someone as pretty as you. and trust me, people might try.”

jisung flushed at the compliment, but also didn’t let go of chenle’s hand. it was soft and warm, and he really didn’t want to lose that feeling.

“i’ll come in. just please don’t leave me alone, i’ve never been to a party before,” he replied, sheepishly looking at his feet. he was embarrassed because chenle was looking at him with an extremely incredulous expression.

“what kind of teenager hasn’t been to a party? come on, i’ll show you some of the highlights,” then they were walking in, hands still tightly intertwined. 

the things he saw when they walked in were partly expected, partly not. he saw people drinking like crazy, one group even doing body shots, and the main event of the party, which was a bunch of people dancing in the center area of the room. the area that chenle lead him towards was obviously where the alcohol was coming from, a bunch of bottles of different things sat on the counters. he saw some things he recognized, beer and vodka, but also bottles with names he probably couldn’t pronounce printed on the front. 

“so. have you ever had alcohol before?” chenle asked, leaning back against the counter, one hand running through hair.

jisung almost wanted to lie and tell him that he had, that he wasn’t sheltered or a baby, but decided to tell the truth. “no. well, i guess. the only thing i’ve had is a glass of wine,” but wine wasn’t like any of the stuff in front of him, it was easy to take.

“you don’t have to drink it if you don’t want to. i normally only have a little bit, maybe a beer or two. they aren’t too great, but they buzz me up enough to keep me entertained. tonight i might try something different too,” he said, grabbing a bottle and offering it to jisung. he hesitated, but took it from his hand and opened it. the smell that came from the bottle was strong and made jisung wince, but he took a swig anyway.

the taste wasn’t enough to make him stop drinking. when chenle had taken a drink of something that was definitely stronger than beer and then grabbed one, he was already halfway done with his bottle. it was okay, he was starting to feel it in his head. he obviously wasn’t even buzzed yet, but the effects were coming in. he refused to be a complete lightweight in front of chenle, though, so he kept drinking it.

“woah, maybe you should slow down. i know it’s just beer and i don’t want to be a buzzkill, but it’s your first time having alcohol,” chenle said, dragging him away after he got his second bottle. “i also don’t want you to drink all of johnny’s beer. he would probably blame me, just because of that one time.”

he listened to chenle ramble as he downed his second bottle. the other boy was almost done with his, and was obviously buzzed, the effects of whatever else he drank kicking in. at one point he brought jisung back to the bar to take a shot or two.

“c’mon sungie!” that was a new one. “i think you should take a shot! they aren’t that bad if you take them fast!”

it didn’t take much more convincing for him to take the shot glass, looking at it nervously for a second before tossing it back into his throat. it burned, and for a second he felt a little sick to his stomach, but by the time he got over it, chenle was already pouring another one.

fast-forward to thirty minutes later, and they were both pretty drunk. the alcohol had been abandoned completely in favor of heading to where people were dancing. 

“are you having a good first ever party, sungie?” chenle hiccuped out. he had quickly taken to calling him that, and jisung couldn’t quite say that he hated it. he did, however, hate how good his name sounded coming from chenle’s mouth. it looked even better in this position, chenle’s arms around his neck and his body pressing flush against jisung’s own.

“this is amazing, lele. thank you!” he wasn’t sure where the lele came from, but he thanked whoever gave him the idea because chenle grinned and buried his head in jisung’s chest. they stayed like that for a minute before the next song came on, which caused chenle to take his hand and drag him further into the swarm of people.

“let’s have some real fun, sungie. this is the best part of a party.”

the song that was playing had a strong bass, and the beat was fast and electric. it was any typical party song, but jisung couldn’t help thinking it was special as chenle started dancing. it was obvious that he had some experience, moving in ways jisung didn’t even know were possible for a sixteen year old, but he wasn’t complaining. eventually, because chenle started begging him to, he started to dance along with him. he wasn’t  _ insecure  _ in his moves, he was a dancer for god’s sake, he just didn’t feel confident as he watched chenle.

he only felt good again when chenle gawked at him, pulling closer because there was way too much room between them. they both started dancing once again, close enough to each other to feel every move, and jisung couldn’t get enough of it. it wasn’t  _ sexual _ , per say, but it was something, and that something was putting his hands around jisung’s neck again and whispering in his ear.

“you weren’t kidding when you said you were a dancer,” he was swaying back and forth and jisung was so entranced that he almost didn’t say anything back. 

he smirked, tucking a strand of chenle’s hair behind his ear. “why would i lie?”

they stayed like that for a while. faces close and bodies even closer, still stuck in the moment, the hot, sweaty bodies surrounding them just in the background. jisung was entranced in much more than chenle’s smile and laugh now. he saw everything, from the curve of his nose to his soft jawline, and he thought it was all beautiful. he looked so serene even in the middle of a party, eyes closed and chin digging into the curve of jisung’s shoulder, hands placed carefully on the back of them, jisung’s own on chenle’s hips. 

he thought that absolutely nothing could ruin this moment, in his drunken stupor, and was shocked when sirens started ringing out. chenle immediately grabbed his hand and started pulling him towards the door in the back. he had obviously been in this house before, because he knew how to easily unlock it and jump the fence, jisung following with a little more hesitance. when he jumped the fence he got a cut on hand, and he could feel it stinging as they ran away, but he would rather his hand bleed than to be in jail.

when they were finally far enough away that the sirens were only slightly ringing in the distance, jisung started laughing. he had gone to a party, gotten drunk, and almost got caught by the police. if he was sober he would have been scolding himself, but he was far too gone to care, especially when chenle joined in and they were just standing in the middle of the street, drunk and laughing their heads off. this is not how he pictured the start of his summer going, but he really couldn’t complain because he had just had two firsts at the side of the best guy he had ever met. 

chenle had gotten closer to him while he was distracted, and he was surprised when he wrapped his arms around jisung. he wasn’t complaining, of course, and wrapped his hands around him in turn. they hugged like that for a minute before chenle let go and took his hand. he had forgotten about the cut there until chenle accidentally ran his thumb over it, gasping in pain.

“oh my god, are you okay?” he said, drunkenly tripping over his words. his face was still close to jisung’s, who smelled his breath and moved away a little bit. 

“i cut my hand on the fence. it doesn’t hurt that bad, i can just wipe the blood off with my shirt,” he said, starting to lift his shirt, but when chenle grabbed his hand he didn’t put up a fight.

he lifted his own shirt to wipe the blood off, sighing. “your shirt is expensive as hell and mine costed like, five dollars. don’t be stupid.”

as soon as he did that, chenle decided he still wanted to hold hands with jisung, but he grabbed his other one, not wanting blood covering his hands. suddenly jisung looked around, having no idea where they were. 

“uh, lele, i have no clue how to get home.”

chenle turned to him, a smile pulling at his lips. “do you know how to get home from the playground from last night? because i can take you there, i know where we are.”

“yeah, thanks. that would be helpful.”

they walked on, silence heavy yet comfortable. jisung had not seen chenle not speak so far, and he wondered if he was okay, but one look at the smiley boy was enough to disprove his theory. he was practically skipping at this point, and jisung was having trouble keeping up with him, tripping over his own feet because of the alcohol clouding his brain. he thought he was doing pretty good for his first time being drunk, especially after drinking as much as he did.

when they finally reached the playground, jisung didn’t want to say goodbye to chenle. he wouldn’t let go of his hand even after chenle said bye, causing him to sigh.

“i’m definitely walking you home.”

jisung frowned and shook his head. “it takes an hour there and back. i don’t want to waste your time, you need to get some sleep anyway.”

it was true. chenle now had dark bags under his eyes and his smile was drooping with tiredness, but he refused to let jisung go off alone in this state, especially since it was his fault he got drunk in the first place. he was firm as a stone, insisting that he walk with him.

eventually jisung gave in, but only with the agreement that he would carry chenle on his back the whole way there. so, they started off. it was slower with the older on his back, but he was able to keep going the whole way, a few stops to catch his breath and steady himself so he doesn’t fall over and hurt them both.

at one point when they were about twenty minutes from his house, he felt chenle’s head fall further onto his shoulder, rocking around with every step. he assumed (correctly) that he was asleep, attempting to take steadier steps so he didn’t wake him up. that was easier said than done, his legs not wanting to take even steps, but eventually he managed.

when he finally got to his house he didn’t want to put chenle down. he didn’t want this night to end because despite getting drunk and getting his hand cut and having to carry chenle home, he still had more fun than he had in his whole life in one night. but, he knew that he needed to get inside and clean up, and chenle needed to get home and sleep. 

so, he pushed his head up a little bit off of his shoulder. “chenle, we’re here. wake up,” it took a couple more tries, but he did finally get the boy off  of his back and groggily standing. they walked to the back window, jisung sliding in carefully before waving goodbye to chenle, shutting the window gently. he quietly headed to the bathroom to clean up his cut that was still bleeding, putting an antiseptic on it, along with a bandage. if his parents ask, he would tell them that he cut it on the knife he sliced the carrots for dinner with the night before.

and with that done, he quietly headed off to bed, knowing he was going to have his first ever hangover in the morning, but he didn’t care because he had just spent the night partying with chenle. chenle, who had an amazing smile, pretty eyes, soft skin, warm hands, and an amazing laugh. that was good enough to send him right to sleep.

 

_ june nineteenth // do it for fun - pentagon _

 

every night since the party jisung had been going out with chenle, whether it be to walk around, go to or a party, or to just sit in his backyard and talk. instead of jisung walking all the way to the east side every night, they trade nights, every other night having chenle walk to his house. tonight was chenle’s night, so he wasn’t surprised to see the boy sitting outside the window when he climbed out of it. he had done his hair how jisung told him he liked it the night before, and had on the shoes he loaned him, and jisung was still as amazed at his beauty as he had been the night they met.

he stood up suddenly when jisung shut the window, a nervous look on his face. it surprised him, because chenle was never nervous. he was always so sure about everything he did, never doubting himself. it was something jisung really admired about him. but right now, he was messing with his hands and not looking jisung in the eyes, which was bothering him.

as soon as the got away from the house, jisung asked him. “what’s up with you?”

chenle looked at him for a second, hands ceasing their movement. the look was still on his face and jisung wanted him to just spit it out already. “i have something planned for tonight. i don’t know if you’re going to want to do it, and i totally get it if you don’t!”

“chenle, just tell me. you can’t put it off forever.”

he looked around to make sure nobody was listening, which they obviously weren’t, before finally looking jisung in the eyes. his voice was light and almost whisper-like, which is something that never happened with chenle. “it’s a party my friend is throwing, further up the west end and i, uh, i heard they would have, you know, stuff..”

jisung was still confused. why was he so nervous over a party and alcohol? was there something else? was there more to ‘stuff’? “chenle, what exactly do you mean by ‘stuff’?”

he looked down once again, focusing more on the steps he was taking than on jisung. “drugs. not like hard drugs or anything, just weed, and i totally get if you don’t want to go and just walk around. you shouldn’t feel pressured to do it.”

jisung laughed at how nervous he was over something like  _ weed _ . he had never smoked before, but he wasn’t totally objected to the idea, especially if he was doing it with chenle by his side. he then wondered if, maybe, chenle was nervous because he hadn’t done it before.

“have you smoked it before?” he asked, which was a totally reasonable question to ask, seeing as chenle was only sixteen and didn’t seem like a druggie.

“yes. actually, this might be a little awkward, but i was high on the night we met. my brother and i were smoking and i was just trying to walk it off.”

jisung truly was surprised. he understood the partying and drinking, but smoking? he wasn’t against it or anything, but hearing that chenle had done it before, and so casually, threw him off. he knew teenagers smoked, with how often jaehyun filled the whole house up with the smell of weed, but the image of chenle smoking was strange.

“sorry i just, needed to get my thoughts together. so, how often do you do it?” he wanted some answers, he needed to know.

chenle was back to fiddling with his fingers. “it depends. i really only do it with my brother, so probably about one or two times a week. i was only thirteen when i did it for the first time, because renjun brought some friends over and made me try it.”

jisung assumed renjun was his brother. he wondered if chenle really wanted to do it so often, or he was pressured to, but he didn’t ask. that’s not the kind of thing you ask about.

“but i promise, it’s not that bad! the first time is a little uncomfortable, but if you know what to do you should get the hang of it in no time. but only if you want to.”

jisung chilled out slightly. he knew chenle didn’t do anything that could seriously hurt him, so he let it go. as they walked to where the party was being held, they talked about it more, calming him down.

by the time they got there, jisung was ready. chenle told him that the guy holding the party’s name was sicheng, and that he was close to chenle and renjun. sicheng had told chenle where to find him when they got there, so as soon as they stepped in, they headed straight upstairs to the bedroom on the very end of the hall and knocked.

a tired-sounding voice yelled from the inside. “come in!”

chenle opened the door gently and stepped inside, closely followed by jisung. he was overwhelmed by the smell of weed that he knew all too well. there were two guys inside, one sitting on bed with a blunt in his hand, the other pacing around. it was obvious the one pacing wasn’t smoking, while the one on the bed was. jisung could only assume the one on the bed was sicheng, but he had no clue who the other guy was. 

the pacing guy looked panicked when he saw chenle, rushing over and putting his hands on chenle’s shoulders, shaking him hard. “oh my god, not you chenle! i swear, if the police come i’m going to go crazy! don’t throw a party, i say, and what do you do? throw a damn party!”

once he let go, pushing chenle harshly into jisung who caught him easily, he went and sat next to sicheng, who offered him the joint and was angrily denied. “relax, kun. i know what i’m doing, and so does chenle. what happened to the chill kun i knew back in high school? i miss him.”

kun, jisung now knew, crossed his arms, reminding him of an angry toddler. he refused to answer sicheng, turning away from him and looking at the wall instead.

“anyways, you guys should shut the door. i swear if one more person i don’t know comes in here and asks for some i’m going to commit,” sicheng said, not even looking at them.

chenle rolled his eyes, pulling jisung in and locking the door. he sat down on the couch opposite from the bed and jisung reluctantly followed him. the smell of the room was bringing back memories that he had tried so hard to repress, so he blocked that out if his mind and tried to tune in on the conversation going on. it was something about a guy puking inside one of kun’s shoes and throwing it in the toilet, and jisung really couldn’t care less.

“i am completely serious. the toilet was full of pee. of course, i told him he had to clean it up if he didn’t want an ass beating. i must have been pretty intimidating, because that bathroom is now squeaky clean. he even cleaned the mirror! i’ve been trying to get sicheng to do that for months, you know that? i can finally actually see myself as more than a blur in there,” kun finished telling the story with a grim look on his face and a sicheng’s hand on his back in a way of comfort. the short part of the story jisung heard was enough to make him wince and feel thankful they had taken their time getting to the party.

chenle rolled his eyes. “if you think  _ that’s  _ bad, just be thankful you weren’t at johnny’s new years party this year. let me just say, orange juice and soy sauce aren’t meant to be mixed together, and definitely not meant to be drank be someone who’s blackout drunk.” 

the other three looked at him in disgust. he just shrugged and signalled for sicheng to give him something.

finally, sicheng handed chenle a blunt that was sitting on his desk, lighting it with a small red lighter. he didn’t see any nerves visible as he took a small hit. it looked so strange, his cute friend smoking  _ weed _ . it also felt weird, knowing that he was going to do that in a minute. he started feeling his head go light, wondering if he was being affected by the second hand smoke, but knowing that it was really the thought that he was going to do this. 

chenle looked at him, holding out the blunt showing that jisung could take it if he wanted. he thought about it for a second, knowing that chenle wouldn’t make him do it if he said no, but he also thought about how disappointed he would be in himself. so, he carefully took the blunt from his hand. 

“uh, how exactly do i do this?” he quietly asked chenle once sicheng and kun were having a conversation that didn’t involve him.

chenle giggled slightly, showing him how to hold it comfortably. “just breathe it in, hold it for a few seconds, then exhale. don’t panic and it should be fine. if you start coughing, you just need to relax more so that it doesn’t go down the wrong place.”

he explained it so well that jisung wondered if that’s what happened to him the first time he smoked, but didn’t ask. he looked at it for a solid minute before bringing it to his mouth, looking at chenle for encouragement. he was signaling breathing in and out, and he relaxed significantly.

he took a deep breath and breathed in from the blunt, exhaling a few seconds later. it tasted strange, almost foreign in his mouth and it did burn slightly, but he didn’t cough. chenle looked proud, clapping a little bit.

he looked back at sicheng and kun, only to see them staring at him. he just smiled at them, causing them all to start laughing.

they passed it back and forth for a little while, jisung slowly talking more with the other boys in the room. everything felt so relaxed now, he didn’t feel any pressure, which is exactly what he had always wanted. 

“i never thought i would be doing this, you know? after smelling the smoke in my house the first time i threw up. my brother didn’t give a shit if our parents knew, but i didn’t want them to know. i lit candles throughout the whole house and opened all of the windows. it didn’t help. i guess at this point i’ve gotten used to it, though,” jisung said softly to chenle. they were sitting slightly closer than before, shoulders pressed up against each other. he could hear each time the boy next to him took a breath, and started listening to each puff. he could only wonder if chenle was doing the same. 

chenle looked at him with a soft frown. his hand made its way to jisung’s and he intertwined them tightly. “you didn’t have to do this if you didn’t want to, sungie. if i knew that had happened i would have never asked you to do this.”

“no, no, it’s fine! if i didn’t want to do this, i would have said so. it’s good for me to get a better look in to it before deciding to shit on it, anyway. jaehyun, that’s my brother, kind of ruined the whole idea for me while i was pretty young. his drinking and smoking made it so i was never that close to him. the only good memory i have with him is from when i was eight. it kinda sucks, and all this just reminds me of it. whatever, i’m being stupid. don’t listen to me. forget i said anything.”

chenle rubbed the back of jisung’s hand with his thumb. it was comforting, just knowing that he was there. jisung knew he was making a big deal out of nothing, but it was nice having somebody supporting him. “don’t say that. i get it, not being able to say you have that perfect big brother,” he laughed bitterly. jisung knew there was more behind it, but he didn’t pry. “you can talk to me whenever you need to. i’ll always be here to listen.”

the conversation died out at that point, with the two boys smiling at each other, foreheads pressed up together. jisung wanted nothing more than to stay like that forever.

eventually they were interrupted by a loud display from the boys across from them. sicheng breathed in smoke, only to blow it back in kun’s face, who looked disgusted. he started attacking sicheng, and then they were off in their own little world, leaving jisung and chenle to themselves once again.

“that gives me an idea,” chenle murmured, looking at the blunt in his fingers, smiling slightly.

jisung snorted. “what idea could  _ that  _ possible give you?”

“okay, i’m going to try something. just stay facing me with your mouth open.”

jisung had a slight idea of what he was going to do as he took in the smoke, and he prepared himself. he felt better knowing the other two weren’t watching, now too busy doing something he did  _ not  _ want to look at. chenle looked at him for a second before slowly blowing the smoke into jisung’s mouth, who took it surprisingly well. they stared at each other for a few seconds after, jisung breaking the eye contact by looking away quickly, which he wished he didn’t do because across from them sicheng and kun were kissing and he didn’t need  _ that _ image seared into his mind forever.

chenle looked at him and giggled, throwing the burnt out blunt into a plastic bag sicheng had laying out, grabbing jisung and dragging him out of the room. neither of them were really in the mood to party, instead sitting on an empty couch in the living room. jisung could tell chenle got extra clingy both when he was drunk and high, because as soon as they sat down he plopped himself on jisung’s lap, playing with his hair and running his hand down his face. jisung made sure to put and arm around his waist to secure him, but other than that he just basked in the attention. he had only known chenle for about two weeks and this had already happened multiple times, and he learned that the best way to go about it was to just let it happen.

they sat there for a little while, chenle whining about jisung not paying enough attention to him, which meant he had to start saying little things to him about how pretty or cute he was, which satisfied him up until it didn’t.

“do you hate me or something?” he asked, still draped over jisung, his head laying on his chest.

jisung snorted, running his hand down the side of chenle’s face. “of course i don’t. you’re my best friend.”

chenle frowned at that, and jisung kept on wondering what he was doing wrong with him. “you’re my best friend too.”

after that they didn’t talk much, just sitting there until it was time for jisung to start getting home. he took chenle’s hand, dragging him up from the couch and towards the door. once they left, jisung finally felt like he could breathe again, though he did still feel high. 

walking home felt the same as it always did, because somehow his hand always ended up in chenle’s. it was silent and nice up until they got to his house.

“i was really proud of you tonight, you know. when i smoked for the first time, i threw up,” chenle said, looking anywhere but at jisung.

“don’t even. i already told you, i threw up just from smelling smoke the first time. i definitely win in this department,” they both laughed and started saying their goodbyes.

jisung lightly kissed chenle’s hand before going inside his house. this had become routine, going up the stairs and into his room, and even high he knew that jaehyun’s door was not normally open and he wasn’t supposed to be standing in the way.

but he was, and he didn’t look happy. he didn’t even hesitate, dragging jisung into his room.

“where the hell have you been you little shit- and why do you smell like weed? oh, please, jisung. tell me you didn’t,” he whisper yelled, and jisung had no clue why he was even upset. he started going out when he was even younger than jaehyun, at the ripe age of fifteen.

jisung shrugged, not looking his brother in the eye. he really had no right to do this, he thought groggily, and he really wanted to sleep right now.

jaehyun just ran an aggressive hand through his hair. sitting down on his bed next to jisung. he sighed and flopped down on his back. “i don’t want this for you, sung. i don’t want you to turn out like me.”

“can i please go to my room? i’m really tired.”

jaehyun just tightened the hold he had on jisung’s arm. “i don’t want you to go down this path. for one, mom and dad hate me. did you know that i went upstairs to get a snack earlier and they told me that i’m not allowed to eat their food, and that i was already mooching off them for everything? it’s so bad, and i have no clue how to fix it. sometimes i don’t even want to.”

jisung stayed silent, wanting jaehyun to continue. he knew their parents were awful, but he didn’t think they’d go that far. jaehyun already had two jobs to pay for all of his own college fees, what else did they want?

“and i don’t think i ever told you the worst part. it was kind of the reason i became like i am in the first place,” he hadn’t. jisung thought he just chose that. “when i was fifteen, i had a boyfriend. one night, you were at a sleepover and mom and dad said they were going out, but they didn’t. they came home and saw us kissing, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget what they did.”

jisung’s heart was beating fast. he never even knew that jaehyun was gay, much less that their parents knew.

“they threw him out. called him nasty names and kicked him, saying he was corrupted and going to hell. once he was gone, they hit me. a lot. that’s why i started going out so often, to try to stay away from them, and to forget. i would kill for you to not go through that. you’re my baby brother, it’s my place to protect you. i couldn’t forgive myself if i knew something could happen and i didn’t try to stop it.”

jisung was overwhelmed with emotions. how could he not be? his brother, who he had thought for the majority of his life hated him, just admitted he would kill for him. 

“i don’t know what to say. i thought you hated me. when we were growing up you never talked to me,” he responded in a quiet voice. it was the only thing he could do to stop the building tears in his eyes from falling out.

jaehyun didn’t do the same. his tears poured out and he moved his hand up to jisung’s shoulder. “please don’t say that, sung. the only thing that kept me going through all of those years was the thought that my little brother wasn’t going to have to go through the same things i was. i work two jobs so that maybe, one day, i can help you get out of here. i  _ hate  _ that you ever thought that way. i love you so much, jisung. if you didn’t know in the past, at least you can now.”

at that point, jisung was sobbing just as hard as his brother. they were in each other’s arms, holding on like if they let go the world would end. jisung had been without his brother’s love for so long, there was no way he was going to let go of it now, nevermind the wet spot growing on his shoulder.

they stayed silent for a moment, minus the sniffs, before jisung broke the silence with a shaky voice.

“jaehyun, i think i’m gay.”

 

_ june twenty-sixth // 잘 하고 있어 grow up - stray kids _

 

jisung and chenle were sitting in sicheng and kun’s spare bedroom, where they were letting them smoke. after the talk a week ago, he’s realized a lot. things about his parents, his brother, and himself. himself, especially. he talked to jaehyun for hours about his sexuality and realized, shit, he was really gay. he wouldn’t mind that if his parents weren’t extremely homophobic, resulting to hitting their oldest son just because of it.

he also decided that, no, he wasn’t going to stop sneaking out. he told jaehyun that and together they decided that he would just have to be extremely careful and they would put in an effort so he would be safe. it would be too much for him not to be able to see chenle.

he tried to not think about his problem when he was with chenle, because if he did then he couldn’t help thinking about what caused him to know. he thought about the pretty smile, the soft skin, the warm hands and everything else that made up chenle. 

right now he wasn’t doing very good at that. they were laying on their back with the room completely dark except for a flashlight sitting between them, making shadow puppets on the ceiling. chenle was making a turkey, and jisung was too distracted by him to look at the ceiling. he had the expression that jisung liked the most on him, a bright smile with eyes like crescent moons and flushed cheeks. his blond hair was spread out over the ground, yet it still looked beautiful and soft. he knew that he was being too obvious, but right now it was easy to blame on the weed.

nothing between them had changed since the revelation, because chenle was still as oblivious as ever, not noticing jisung’s prolonged stares and red flushes whenever chenle complimented him. he passed it off as normal, which jisung was extremely thankful for.

“sungie, make a spider again! i can’t do that one,” he was pouting, which made jisung laugh. he knew that no matter what happened, chenle’s pout would always get him.

he put his hands together, making them look like a spider. he wasn’t going to say it, but it was really easy. chenle just didn’t want to actually try it, preferring to just let jisung do it. jisung thought that was cute, and it warmed his heart when he let out a loud laugh, pulling one of his hands down to hold.

that had to be one of the best parts about hanging out with chenle. no matter how high or drunk they were, they always ended up holding hands. it was comfortable, and made him feel just a little bit closer to him. sometimes it made things difficult, but they managed.

he liked thinking that chenle never spent his nights with anyone else, always reserving that time for jisung. he knew that he could be doing other things, but instead made the hour walk to jisung’s house just to hang out with him. it made him feel special, like he was important. spending time with chenle always made him feel important.

 

_ july first // eyes, nose, lips - taeyang _

 

that night, something was different. when jisung climbed out of his window and saw chenle, he wasn’t his usual self. he barely talked, choosing instead to let jisung ramble on about some random thing. normally, he would constantly interrupt and interject something, but this time he wasn’t doing that. he was looking down at his feet, and jisung was starting to worry.

“are you okay? you seem upset,” he asked, grabbing chenle’s hand. his grip was firm, and he was hoping to comfort the boy a little. he held on with just as much firmness, squeezing jisung’s hand.

he sighed, looking up at jisung. “i haven’t told you much about this, but renjun is having trouble. he’s not doing good mentally, and earlier today he freaked out on me,” he lifted the hem of his shirt, revealing a fresh bruise on his stomach, about the size of a fist.

jisung was shocked. he had never thought that chenle had problems at home, despite the fact that he never talked about it. it had never been brought up, and the only time he talked about renjun was the night they smoked for the first time, and that was just that. he guessed it made sense, seeing where he lived and how he came out every night. it also explained the bitter smiles that he sported whenever jisung brought up jaehyun and how close they had gotten.

“is he okay? are  _ you  _ okay?” he asked gently, not wanting to show how freaked out he was to chenle. the older boy already looked worried, and he didn’t want to to be the one to add to that.

chenle laughed bitterly, dropping his shirt. “i have no clue what i’m going to do with him. what he really needs is to go to a mental facility, and i know that, but if he goes to one i’ll have to go to a boys home. i want him to get better, but i can’t go back there.”

there was silence. chenle never really talked about his past, especially that. jisung realized that he had probably been traumatized with how he talked about it, and decided to let chenle choose what he would say, not wanting to push him too far and get him angry. he had never seen chenle angry, and he didn’t want tonight to be the first time.

“i don’t know what to say. i’m really sorry, lele.”

“i mean, i know it’s selfish. some nights i hear him crying and i know it’s because of me. if i wasn’t such a bad brother he would probably be better by now! if i was a better person i wouldn’t be here right now, i would be taking care of him because he’s probably hurting himself again.”

jisung stopped walking, moving to stand in front of chenle. “we can go check on him, if you want.”

he sighed, turning around so they were walking towards his place. “that sounds good. but please, when we get there, just stay quiet. he’s really sensitive after a breakdown.”

“alright.”

the rest of the walk was silent. the silence was suffocating, but jisung knew that chenle needed it. he needed space, so he could focus on his brother. jisung got that, he really did. he just felt lonely, because talking was their safety blanket. whenever they were talking, jisung didn’t have time to think about everything, but now that was all he could do. he thought about jaehyun and their parents, how they were so much worse than he ever knew. he had never really loved them, because they constantly controlled him and didn’t let him do anything, but now he knew who they really were. they were abusive, hitting his brother for something as simple as liking boys. and it wasn’t just that once. it was every time he went out, every time he smoked or drank or did something that they thought was disrespectful. they never did it in front of jisung because they didn’t want to make him think less of them. he thought that was disgusting, and wished he knew about it earlier, so he could have the relationship he had with jaehyun then that he had now. they both could have really used it.

when they reached the apartment, jisung understood why chenle had never taken him there before. it was so different to jisung’s big house, even the front looked run down and worn. the inside was even worse, he concluded when they entered. there was barely and furniture, just a couch and a small desk that was covered in papers. the kitchen was cramped, and barely had enough room for the small table shoved in there.

“i know, it’s ugly. we can’t exactly afford anything with renjun not working and me with a part time job.”

jisung realized then that chenle’s parents weren’t around. it hadn’t reached his brain earlier when he talked about the boys home, but now it was clear. renjun was his guardian. that was why they lived in such a small place and chenle was allowed to do whatever he wanted, including going out every night and smoke.

when they went upstairs, there were two doors in the small area. “that one is mine and renjun’s room, and that’s the bathroom,” chenle pointed out to him, and he put his hand on the handle, twisting it slowly. jisung had no idea what to expect, but this wasn’t it. there was a boy laying in bed, completely wrapped in the comforter, but he had his eyes open.

“hey, junnie?” chenle said quietly, slowly walking over to his brother. he sat on the bed, and jisung was suddenly aware of himself standing awkwardly by the door, but he didn’t want to disrupt the other boys, so he stayed put.

“i felt bad just leaving you here. are you doing any better?”

renjun sat up next to chenle, still not taking the comforter off of himself. “i’m doing okay. you didn’t do anything wrong, chenle, i’m sorry for freaking out. i need to take control of myself,” his voice was so fragile and light jisung almost couldn’t hear him, and at the end of his sentence his voice cracked, and all chenle did was look at him sadly, lightly hugging him.

“please don’t blame yourself, you couldn’t control it. i shouldn’t have brought them up and i know it.” 

it was extremely emotional to watch the brothers sitting there, wrapped in each other’s arms, whispering in chinese. he saw chenle wipe a tear away, and couldn’t help get teary eyed himself. seeing the boy so vulnerable, he couldn’t imagine seeing renjun hit someone, especially chenle. he didn’t understand how chenle was so okay with it all, not flinching away from renjun’s touch at all. jisung flinched when his parents were within a foot of him, and they had never even hit him. 

when they pulled away from each other, he noticed renjun was staring at him, probably because he didn’t even notice him at first. he looked at chenle, who completely forgot about jisung, also looking back at him.

“um. hi?” he said and renjun giggled, and he noticed it sounded similar to chenle’s. yep, definitely brothers.

“renjun, this jisung. jisung, this is renjun,” chenle said, gesturing to each boy. jisung smiled at renjun, who had a look that resembled a smirk on his face.

he looked at chenle. “so this is the popular jisung. i’m glad i finally get to meet him after how much you talk about him.”

chenle had a blush on his face, and jisung was part embarrassed, and part happy. the room was filled with awkwardness after that, so chenle stood up and grabbed jisung’s arm. “sorry to cut this short, but i think it’s time for us to go. jisung needs to get home soon. i’ll be back in like, two hours. love you, junnie.”

“love you too.”

chenle quickly pulled jisung out of the room, shutting the door. “that was actually the best he’s been in a while. i don’t want to get my hopes up, but i think he’s improving.”

jisung smiled, glad to hear that. renjun looked pretty fragile, and though he barely knew him he didn’t want to see him hurting. he had always prided himself on being an empathetic person, so he could feel chenle’s pain from seeing his brother like that. he also saw how strong he was after going through that with nobody else to care for him. it seemed like he raised himself, no authority over him. 

“not to pry, i know it’s really not my place, but what happened? you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, of course, but i think it would be good for you to talk about it,” jisung said gently when they stepped outside. he was afraid that it would result in chenle yelling or hitting him, but all he got in response was a small nod.

“okay,” chenle said with the confidence he normally had in his voice missing. “so, if you couldn’t tell, our parents are out of the picture. about eight years ago, when i was eight and renjun was sixteen, they disappeared. nothing had been wrong up until one night when they just didn’t come home from work. police searched for them for weeks, and found nothing. to this day, we still don’t know if they were kidnapped, or left, but it doesn’t really matter. once it was confirmed that they were gone and weren’t coming back, we were sent to a boys home. all of our relatives were either dead or refused to take care of us. our parents hadn’t been on good terms with any of them, it wasn’t that surprising.

“it sucked there. they split us up because of our ages, and we were only allowed to see each other at meals. they didn’t treat us bad at first, but life was so dull. we were rarely allowed to leave, and if we were caught staying up past curfew then we got spanked. we were there when renjun had one of his worst attacks ever. it was scary, he was hitting the supervisors and kids and wouldn’t let anybody get near him. somehow, i managed to get him to calm down. they were so close to moving him to a different home, but i convinced them to have him go see a doctor. he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. the home couldn’t afford to pay for medication or therapy, so he stayed untreated. after that, they cracked down on him harder than anybody else. i had to watch when he got his meals taken away and yelled at for doing something like tripping. when he finally turned eighteen it didn’t much for a judge to rule him my official guardian. 

“we’ve been living together ever since then. yesterday when we were fighting over something stupid i brought up the home and it got him really worked up. it caused an attack and this time i was the one to cause it, so i couldn’t calm him down. when he hit me, i realized i just had to leave him alone. so, here we are. it’s always easy to make up with him because of how bad he feels.”

jisung was silent for a minute. it was a lot to take in, the things chenle and renjun had gone through growing up.

“let’s walk you home. i want to be with renjun tonight,” chenle finally spoke up, his hand finding it’s normal spot in jisung’s.

so they did. 

 

_ july second // been through - exo _

 

when jisung sat down for dinner that night, he was surprised to see jaehyun at the table. he would normally not eat with them, in fear of angering their parents. the room was already tense and he was scared to say anything, so he just sat down and started eating.

his parents tried to make conversation with him multiple times, but he just gave them short one-word answers and continued eating. he just wanted it to be over.

“so jaehyun,” his mom said at one point, and jisung was already scared. “what have you been doing the past couple of nights? i heard you sneaking out, and you know what i said about that.”

jaehyun looked surprised, having his mother address him in such a calm tone, though knowing the underlying anger. “i didn’t.”

for a second jisung thought his brother was going to throw him under the bus so he didn’t get in trouble, but he didn’t say anything after that.

just then his father spoke up, and he jumped at the commanding voice. “don’t lie to us, son. we know you.”

“i swear, i didn’t. maybe you were just hearing the neighbors.”

there was a loud bang on the table that came from his father’s fist, and jisung felt the sudden urge to hide under the table. he had never seen any fights between his family, normally hiding out in his bedroom. he was surprised they were doing it in front of him, but kept quiet.

“i don’t think the neighbors were in our house. i think you need to get punished, because you obviously weren’t listening when we told you to the rules for this summer.”

jaehyun had a nervous look on his face, and it was the first time jisung had seen him look anything but brave in front of their parents. he always admired him for the way he put up a fight, but right now he looked like a kicked puppy and didn’t say a word.

his mother looked at jisung with eyes that contradicted what she was about to do to jaehyun completely. “maybe you should go to your room, honey.”

“no.”

his father looked at him with fire in his eyes, already angry because of jaehyun. “what did you just say to her?”

jisung was suddenly nervous, wishing he just went to his room, but stood his ground. he didn’t want jaehyun suffering because of him being stupid. “i said no, because jaehyun wasn’t the one sneaking out. it was me.”

everyone was silent. jaehyun was casting him sad looks, knowing what was about to happen. his parents were both surprised, and he was genuinely scared. the moment was broken when he suddenly felt a slap across his face. he gasped, because his father hit really hard. it stung so bad, and the pain was worse than he would have imagined.

“what the hell is wrong with you? don’t hit him, he’s still a kid!” jaehyun screamed, voice louder than jisung had ever heard before. it rang in his ears as the room went silent. jaehyun reached out to punch his father and finally get revenge, but was denied by a simple hit to his stomach.

a firm hand on jisung’s shoulder forced him to stand up, and then there was a punch thrown to his stomach. he had never been hit like this before, and the pain was almost too much. he cried out, holding his stomach. he saw jaehyun attempting to pull their father back, but to no avail. at that point, he just closed his eyes and let it happen. there was no use fighting back against the much bigger and much stronger man, especially since he was already in pain. he wheezed as his hair got pulled and he got shoved against the wall, the cries of agony from his brother and himself topping it all off. he never knew getting beaten could hurt so bad until that very moment, where all he wanted was to sit on the ground and cry but he kept on getting hit and he knew it was his own father, the man who raised him, who was repeatedly punching him and telling him that he never should have broken the rules, that he knew what was coming to him.

when it was finally over, he didn’t want to open his eyes. he was completely out of breath, and couldn’t even focus on jaehyun asking if he was okay because all he could feel was  _ pain.  _ he felt like dying, because it would definitely be better than this. his body burned from each new wound, the worst being his stomach that got repeatedly punched in the same spot, and he felt as if all his insides were getting squished and it was completely agonizing.

as soon as he could get himself to stand up, he didn’t even look at anyone, just ran as fast as he could out the front door. when he was outside he started running, and realized he was running the opposite direction than chenle’s. it was his night and he was supposed to go there, but he didn’t want chenle to see him like this. he was already dealing with renjun, he didn’t need to see jisung being so weak, so he kept on running the way he was originally going. he realized quickly that he was around where sicheng and kun lived, and he knew that they were throwing a party tonight.

he was limping and even walking hurt, but he kept going. he needed relief, and that meant he needed alcohol. it wouldn’t make him feel any better the next day, but he wanted desperately to get out of his head. 

when he got to the party, the loud voices immediately hurt his head, and it got even worse when he went inside the house. he felt dizzy, but kept on pushing past people until he found the alcohol. there was a lot of it, bottle after bottle and jisung was glad. he took a shot almost as soon as he reached it, and took one after another for the next few minutes. eventually, when he started feeling more than buzzed, he started away from the drinks. he had never been to a party alone, so he really had no clue what to do. when he was with chenle, he always felt so full and never bored, but right now he had no clue what to do.

that was, until a cute boy came up to him. he was pretty good looking, his light brown hair pushed back slightly and his brown eyes welcoming. he still wasn’t as pretty as chenle, jisung thought.

“i’ve been watching you for a while and i‘ve got to say, you take alcohol surprisingly well.” 

jisung giggled, because he was drunk and someone was talking to him. he didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything at all.

“so, am i gonna get a dance?” the boy asked, holding his hand out. it looked soft, but not as soft as chenle’s. jisung pushed that thought out of his mind, taking his hand. they both drunkenly made their way to where the large crowd was dancing. quickly, he had his arms around the guy’s neck and his hands were on jisung’s waist and it reminded jisung all too much of another time.

“jaemin.”

jisung was confused. he wasn’t sure he heard the whisper right, but decided to reply anyway. “what?”

the guy laughed at the confusion in his voice. “my name is jaemin. sorry, should’ve clarified.”

jisung nodded, well, as much as he could from where his head was buried in jaemin’s shoulder. “i’m jisung.”

“well, jisung, i think it’s about time i do this.”

he felt jaemin’s hand tilt his chin up and he knew what was coming, the plush lips hitting his softly. this was by no means his first kiss, but it was definitely his first kiss with a boy. 

he kissed back. he felt jaemin’s hand grab the back of his neck and he ran his hands through the other’s hair, because that’s what he thought felt right. they stood there for a few minutes, just kissing, and jisung felt new. he wasn’t focusing on the stinging in his stomach, because all he could feel was the overwhelming sensation of jaemin on his lips, neck, and hair. it was surprising, because jaemin kept on kissing him.

at one point, jaemin grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the crowd and into a secluded corner far away from everybody else. at this point things were heating up, and they were completely wrapped up in each other. his hands were on jaemin’s back and it was almost too much, more than he had ever experienced before. hands were running down his stomach and under his shirt and-

“ow!” he exclaimed, doubling over, away from jaemin. he had completely forgotten about the wounds covering his lower body, but now it was all too apparent, the pain once again starting to take over his body. he felt bad for jaemin, because he was staring at him with a confused look on his face.

“are you hurt?” the words were quiet and jisung almost didn’t hear him, but he did. silently, he lifted his shirt to reveal the bruise on his stomach. he hadn’t seen it yet, and when he did he flinched. it was overwhelmingly red and purple, and so big. it traveled from his hip bone up to the top of his rib cage, small ones surrounding it. he heard a noise of surprise from jaemin, who reached a tentative finger forward, almost, but not quite, touching it. 

“who did this to you?” his voice was as quiet as before, but jisung could hear the anger laced in it. it scared him because it reminded him of his parents, and then he felt a tear fall down his face. he dropped his shirt, which caused jaemin to look up at him, causing instant worry.

that was what triggered a long conversation in the corner of a party, the two boys sitting close on the couch. jisung was so happy to have someone who simply wanted to listen to his problems, so he told jaemin everything ranging from his father beating him to him realizing his sexuality. jaemin didn’t interrupt, just sat and listened. it felt so relieving to not be bottling everything up anymore, tears streaming down his face the whole time. he got choked up at certain parts, but jaemin would just reassure him that it was okay and pat his back. it helped, and jisung would start talking again.

when he was finished jaemin only had one thing to say. “okay, you are not going back to your house tonight.”

he dragged jisung out of the house, leading him somewhere else. “we’re going to my apartment. it’s not too far of a walk, so you should be fine.”

jisung didn’t reply, just followed jaemin without question. he was thankful for the boy for giving him a place to stay. he was the influence, so he did stumble a bit on the walk, but overall was fine, if you didn’t count the pain taking over his body. he could tell the alcohol was finally catching up with him, and had to stop a couple times to puke into bushes. he felt sorry for whoever lived in those houses, but wasn’t in his right mind enough to do anything about it.

they got to jaemin’s apartment soon after. it was nicer than chenle’s, though that wasn’t saying much. he had told jisung on the way that he lived with his brother, but he was pretty chill and wouldn’t care that he was staying. when they entered jaemin led him straight to his bed, saying that he was going to sleep on the couch. 

as soon as he hit the pillow, he was out.

 

_ july third // fine - taeyeon _

 

when jisung woke up the next morning, he barely remembered the night before. all he could make out was was getting beaten by his father and then running to sicheng’s party. after that, it was all a blur and he had no clue why he was alone in somebody else’s bed.

he got up and slowly left the room, walking down the hallway. it reminded him of the stinging pain all over his body and he almost fell right back into the bed, but kept going. he was hoping nobody would be in there and he could just leave and go home. he really wanted to talk to jaehyun. 

he was disappointed when he walked in and an older guy was in the kitchen making breakfast, along with a younger boy sitting on the couch. the boy jumped up when he saw jisung, and he had no clue who he was.

“oh, jisung! i didn’t want to wake you. breakfast will be ready in a minute. you’ll be amazed, my brother’s cooking is great.” he kept on going and all jisung could do was stand there, confused. he assumed they met at the party after he starting drinking, but under what circumstances?

the boy seemed to realize he wasn’t listening, stopping. so, jisung decided to speak up. “not to be rude, but i have no clue who you are.”

they boy looked slightly surprised and embarrassed after he said that, backing up a bit. jisung noticed that there was a makeshift bed on the couch, and it was obviously where the boy was sleeping, so nothing must have happened between the two.

“oh, sorry! i forgot how much you drank last night. i’m jaemin. i met you at the party, we were messing around and then i touched your bruise. you kinda told me literally everything. you went on for about half an hour about that chenle boy.”

jisung was the embarrassed one now. he felt bad for pouring all his problems on jaemin, as he was probably a bother. he also regretted talking about chenle, because now all he could think about was how worried he probably was, because last night was the first time since they met he didn’t hang out with him. he hoped that chenle would actually come to his window tonight. well, that is if he managed to get home.

“oh my god, i’m so sorry! i got really drunk last night. if you don’t mind i’d like to go home. my brother is probably worrying about me and i need to see chenle tonight,” jisung said making his way towards the door. jaemin did nothing, just stood there with a frown. 

as soon as he was about the open the door, jaemin’s brother spoke up. “jisung, right? i’m doyoung. jaemin told me the gist of what you told him, and there is no way in hell i’m letting you go home. that would actually be the very worst thing for you to do, so i’m asking you to stay here for a little while.”

jisung turned around to face doyoung. he looked serious, and jisung contemplated. it didn’t seem quite right to stay with people he had just met, but they seemed safe, and how could it be any worse than going home to his abusive parents to get another beating? the downside was, though, that he wouldn’t be able to talk to jaehyun. his brother was probably getting hit by his parents as they spoke, and that didn’t settle quite right with jisung.

he slowly walked back into the living room. “okay, i guess. i don’t have any clothes, though. and i don’t want to feel like i’m intruding.”

“don’t worry about that! we seen like we’re the same size, you should fit in my clothes just fine. also, you won’t be intruding. i’ve always wanted a younger brother, you should be fine!” jaemin chipped in, dragging jisung to the kitchen table. the food doyoung was cooking seemed to be finished, because he was putting it on three plates. it smelled good and felt comforting, unlike meals at his house. this place really felt like a home, and jisung could definitely get used to it.

 

_ july seventeenth // love ya! - hyukoh _

 

two weeks had gone by and jisung still hadn’t spoken to chenle, though it felt like years. after all, they had seen each other every day for weeks. he had talked to jaehyun over the phone and met up with him in public places to discuss where he was and what was happening. there had been plenty of tears, but jaehyun understood why he was doing it. their home was unsafe and if he went back things would only get so much worse for both of them.

jaemin and doyoung had been amazing to him, as well. they truly acted like a family, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together every day. it was amazing how happy he felt just spending time with them. jaemin had quickly become his best friend who he could talk to for hours. sometimes at night they would stay up until the sun rose just talking about anything and everything. he knew jisung inside and out after just a week of knowing each other, and it was honestly scary how similar they were. doyoung called them long lost twins who finally met just to annoy him. that comment caused a playful fight about how jisung now did more work around the apartment than either of them, so he had no room to complain. 

it was true, jisung did feel that in order to cohabitate with them without feeling guilty, he had to do more work than both of them combined. in the morning he made breakfast and cleaned the dishes afterwards, then did a once over of the place to make sure it was clean. multiple times he got tired of the way things were laid out, so he moved the furniture around. doyoung had scolded him the first time, as he had stubbed his toe on the coffee table that had been moved halfway across the room, but soon got used to everything moving around. he also went and got the groceries whenever jaemin was too lazy to, and occasionally cooked dinner. it was a good situation, and jisung was happy with it.

he wasn’t happy, however, with the hole in his life in the shape of a blonde boy with a cute laugh and soft hands. even the thought of chenle made him wince, and he thought back to the conversation he had with jaemin and doyoung at dinner the night before.

“i’m gonna be real with you, kid,” doyoung said flatly, setting his fork down softly. jisung had come to realize pretty quickly that doyoung was generally a serious person, but had a soft spot for kids and dogs. it comforted jisung to think about that when the older man looked at him with a menacing expression. “you need to talk to chenle. i don’t normally like these sappy romances, but even i have to admit that you guys have a real chance. so, if you don’t get your head out of your ass i might have to drag you to him myself.”

jisung huffed out a sigh, still looking at his empty plate. “i’ll talk to him when i’m ready. also, it’s not a romance! we’re just friends.”

“uh, i beg to differ,” jaemin interjected. “i’m pretty sure ‘just friends’ don’t hold hands constantly, sit on each other’s laps, have endearing nicknames for each other, shotgun-“

jisung cut him off. “i think that’s enough, jaem!”

doyoung looked between them with a frown. when telling him the whole story, jisung had purposely left out the whole smoking part. he had already disapproved of the drinking, and weed was something that was completely out of the question. 

“shotgun?” he looked at both of them suspiciously. “you better not be talking about what i think you are. if so, i might have to beat your ass.”

jisung flinched. he knew it was just a light hearted joke, but even joking around about that kind of thing scared him now. the bruise still lingering on his stomach and the scar on his hip burned whenever he started thinking about them, and his hands traveled down to the scar. it was deep, a scratch caused by his dad’s class ring that he bared proudly on his middle finger. it just barely escaped hitting bone, and refused to stop bleeding for days. jaemin was worried that he would have to go to the hospital, but doyoung quickly shut that idea down. he had been training to become a nurse and knew how to handle it, but the wound would always be a memory of that awful night.

“doyoung, don’t fucking say that!” jaemin intervened for him, smacking his brother lightly on the shoulder. doyoung quickly apologized after seeing the look on jisung’s face and the way he was shaking.

“oh my god, i’m sorry jisung. i just don’t want you to get into that kind of stuff, it’s dangerous. but really, you do need to talk to chenle. can you imagine how sad he must feel? think about it, you guys were together every night for a month, and then you just disappeared. wouldn’t you be scared if that happened to you?”

“i didn’t think about it that way,” jisung replied sullenly. “i guess i could go see him tonight. it’s kinda a far walk, but i’ve walked longer.”

jaemin snorted. “there’s no way you’re walking two hours at ass o’clock at night, dipshit. i’ll drive you to his place tomorrow at a time that the sun is actually up.”

jisung realized that that was a better plan than his. it was just that he and chenle had never seen each other during the daytime. their meetings had been strictly at night, though he never really thought about why. it was a mix of a ritual-like thing, and the thought that their relationship would be ruined if they hung out like normal people. seeing chenle during the day didn’t really sound like a bad idea, he reasoned. his skin would probably glow even more under the bright light of the sun.

“okay, okay,” jisung gave in. 

fast forward to the next day, jisung was panicking. him and jaemin were sitting in the car in front of chenle’s apartment block and he suddenly felt like his throat was closing up and he couldn’t breathe. the thought of walking up to chenle’s door and getting rejected was taking over his mind, and he just barely felt jaemin’s hand resting on his shoulder, rubbing light circles into it.

“relax, sung. it’ll be okay. take deep breaths,” jaemin whispered to him. jisung took his advice and breathed in as deeply as he could, hands resting on his chest. “i can come with you, if you want. whatever you need, i can do.”

“so, we can leave?” jisung joked, before jaemin glared at him and stopped rubbing his shoulder. “sorry, sorry. you don’t need to do anything, you’ve already done enough. i need to do this on my own.”

“that’s great. if you need anything, though, don’t hesitate to call me, okay? i'm here for you.” 

jisung smiled at jaemin, looking him in the eyes. “sounds good. it might be a little bit, so you don’t need to stay here. if i don’t come out within, like, ten minutes, you can probably take off.”

jisung opened the car door, waved to jaemin, and then shut it. this was it. he was finally going to see chenle again. the walk to his door was even more nerve-wracking than he thought it was going to be, and he could feel his whole body shaking. it was scary, because he had no idea how chenle was going to react. it was unlikely for him to be that angry, from what jisung knew about him, but there was still a chance. after all, he had stopped meeting him for no reason and had made no effort to try and explain. if chenle did that to him he definitely would have been upset.

when he reached the apartment he was looking for, he took a deep breath before lightly tapping his knuckles on the door. there was a slight rustling inside before the door was slowly opened. he expected to see chenle standing there, but instead, it was renjun.

there was a moment of silence before jisung spoke up. “uh, is chenle here? i really need to talk to him.”

renjun stared at him for a second before gesturing for him to come in. jisung hesitantly walked in, only to awkwardly stand in behind renjun as he closed the door. the place looked exactly the same as it had when he had last seen it, weeks before. it was strange to think that so many things had changed in such a little amount of time, but this place remained exactly the same. it was comforting to jisung that some things never changed.

“what happened, jisung? one night, you were going out with chenle, and the next, you just disappeared. he waited all night for you to show up, just for you to never come. he went to your house, but you never came out. now you come back, two weeks later, and want to talk to him?” renjun spat out. jisung was shocked, he hadn’t expected that from renjun. he seemed like a quiet person, and not someone capable of what he looked like right then.

jisung had to process what he had said before stuttering out a reply. “i- i didn’t want to stop seeing him, i swear! there were problems at home, and a lot was going on. i was too scared that he’d be angry to come see him again.”

renjun took a deep breath before sitting down on the small couch in their living room, gesturing for jisung to sit next to him. “did chenle ever tell you what happened to our parents?”

“yes.”

“so, you should’ve understood how hard this was for him. you went completely off the radar, just like they did. he was terrified that he was never going to see you again. you could never understand how traumatized he was when they disappeared, and this just made him completely relive that. maybe you didn’t think it was going to affect him that way, but it did.”

jisung hadn’t thought about it that way. he had assumed chenle would be worried about him, but nothing too extreme. his parent’s disappearance wasn’t something that ever came up in his head, but now that he heard it from renjun, he felt so much worse. the last thing he had wanted was to hurt chenle.

“fuck. well, now i feel like shit. do you think he wants to see me?” jisung asked quietly. he assumed the answer was no, but was surprised to see renjun violently nod his head.

“he’ll be relieved. but, i do think you have some serious explaining to do to him.”

jisung nodded, standing up and heading upstairs after seeing renjun wave him off. he stood outside the brother’s room nervously, before slowly opening the door and peeking in. chenle was sitting on the bed reading a book, hair falling in his face. he was surprised to see that the blonde hair he had come to love had turned a dark brown. jisung had known it was dyed, but the thought of chenle having brown hair never even crossed his mind. he thought that even though it looked different, it was still just as beautiful on the boy. it gave his whole aura a darker twinge, thought that might have also come from the fact the all of the lights in the room were turned off. jisung quickly fixed that by flicking the switch up.

chenle’s head snapped up quickly. when he saw jisung, his jaw dropped and his eyes grew a few sizes. there was a few moments of silence before jisung heard a few sniffles and realized that chenle was crying. 

“y- you’re okay? jisung, you’re okay!” it was heartbreaking for jisung to see chenle look so broken, sobbing into his arms as he rushed over to him. he had never seen chenle cry before, and was extremely emotional. eventually, a few tears slipped out of his own eyes, and they were both crying into each other’s arms. jisung whispered reassurances into chenle’s neck, and at some point he stopped crying, only to keep clinging onto jisung. jisung attempted to pull away, only to realize that chenle’s legs were wrapped around him.

jisung pet chenle’s hair lightly. “i’m okay. i’m here,” chenle pulled back slightly to look at him. jisung noticed how bad his dark circles had gotten, and how bloodshot his eyes looked from crying so hard.

he still looked beautiful.

they stared at each other for a moment more before chenle leaned forward slightly to press his lips to jisung’s. it was light, and he seemed like he was about to pull away, but jisung put his hand on the back of his neck to stop him. that was all the motivation he seemingly needed to lean impossibly further into jisung and run his hands through his hair. jisung, in return, started moving his lips against chenle’s. it was a soft kiss, fueled by the feelings they had concealed for so long, but it was meaningful. every movement showed how they felt about each other. it was addicting. 

eventually, jisung was forced to pull away for air. he panted as he looked at chenle, who looked shocked from what had just happened. jisung just hummed and twirled chenle’s hair around his finger.

“hi,” he said bluntly, causing chenle to lightly hit him on the arm. “so, i should probably explain what happened, right?” 

chenle nodded, not making a move from where he was sitting in jisung’s lap, so he went on. “let me just say that i never wanted to stop seeing you. that was the last thing i wanted, honestly. i wanted so badly to run over here and see you, you have no idea, but i was too ashamed. i didn’t want you to see me so messed up. i’m sorry for that, chenle. you didn’t deserve that.”

“it’s okay. i was just worried about you.”

jisung shook his head and looked chenle straight in the eyes. “no. it wasn’t okay. i only thought about myself, when i should have thought about what  _ you  _ were feeling. i was a coward.”

chenle buried his head in jisung’s shoulder, causing his words to come out muffled. “i don’t like you saying that about yourself. can you please just explain what happened?”

jisung sighed and ran his fingers through chenle’s hair. “yeah, okay. so, as you know, i had been sneaking out every night. what i didn’t exactly tell you was that my parents are strict as hell. i learned not that long ago that they had beat my brother all while i was growing up just for being gay,” chenle gasped, but jisung went on. “the first night i stopped coming out, they found out that i had been sneaking out.” 

he stopped talking and moved chenle away slightly to show the wounds on his stomach and side, still very prominent. chenle ran his hands over the bruise lightly, and jisung saw another tear fall down his face. he tilted chenle’s head up to be at the same level as his own to wipe the tear off with the pad of his thumb.

“oh, jisung,” he whispered softly, caressing the sides of his face. “i’m so sorry this happened to you. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you. you needed somebody to be by your side, and i wasn’t there.”

“hey,” jisung pressed a kiss to his lips. “it wasn’t your fault. you couldn’t have known, and i was the one who distanced myself from you.”

“i know, but i’m still sorry. oh, please don’t tell me you’ve been staying there!”

“i haven’t, trust me. right after it happened i ran off to sicheng and kun’s party. i got piss drunk and met a guy about our age there. i kind of spilled everything to him. literally, everything. i told him my whole life story. he brought me back to his place and i’ve been staying with him and his older brother since.”

“have they treated you good?” chenle asked, worriedly. jisung understood why, you can’t exactly trust everybody you meet at parties.

“definitely. the younger one is jaemin. we’ve gotten really close, he’s a really good talker. he’s probably my best friend.”

chenle frowned and pinched jisung’s cheek. “what about me? i thought i was your best friend. this jaemin guy can’t replace me.”

jisung chewed on the inside of his cheek slightly. “well, i was actually hoping you would be my boyfriend.”

chenle pushed him forward so they fell back on the bed and crushed him in a hug. they stayed like that for a minute before it turned into a light kiss, chenle cupping jisung’s jaw in his hands. he pulled back and smiled wide before diving back in. 

when they pulled away for the second time, jisung put his hands in chenle’s shoulders to prevent him from kissing him again. “so, i’m guessing that’s a yes?”

chenle just giggled and pecked him on the cheek. “of course, dummy! god, i’ve been wanting to do that since we first met. i really like you, sungie.”

“i really like you too. also, i can’t believe we’ve both liked each other for literally forever and neither of us made a move. how stupid are we?”

“super stupid,” chenle leaned forward and pressed another kiss to jisung’s lips. 

that was enough for jisung. it was enough to be by chenle’s side, even if everything else in his life was  mess. as they kissed and cuddled, he realized that this was perfect. he would make it through this, because he had chenle by his side. they would do this together, and that was all he really needed. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this mess! you can skip this if you want, but i do want to talk about some of the scenes a little bit. first, jisungs house layout might seem sort of confusing, because it’s based off of my house. actually, quite a few things in jisung’s life are based off of mine. not the abuse, of course, but a lot of it, notably the house, and the whole jaehyun issue. i had the same sort of thing happening with my older sister where she would sneak out through our crank window and come back high. also, she would smoke in the house and i would be the one who would have to light candles so she wouldn’t get caught. that brought up a lot of my inspiration for jaehyun, especially the part where they get close. their whole relationship is very reminicent of mine and my sister’s. i also want to say that the ending of this story is open (even though i hate open endings) because i really just didn’t know any other way to end it. i don’t know enough about the law and courts to make the rest about jisung’s parents, or enough about mental health to go into detail about renjun, so i chose to just end it. i do invision that things get better for jisung and chenle, though. you can imagine whatever you want, of course. so, with that, i hope you enjoyed this story!


End file.
